OMGWTF!
by NevermoreAzriel
Summary: Ron attempts to become a l33t m4st3r. Unexpected fallout follows.


This story was written upon the request of a friend of mine. He asked that I write a story based around a certain LiveJournal icon I had been using in which Dumbledore is looking upwards with his mouth open and the caption says "OMGWTF?!"

I tried to think just what it might be that horrified Dumbledore so. This story is the result.

It's meant only for humor purposes and it will be considerably less funny to you if you do not play online RPGs.

Enjoy.

--

Harry looked out the window, and yawned. It was a rainy Saturday morning at Hogwarts. He knew not much would get done today, it was one of those days made for sitting around and discussing what to do, without actually doing anything. He pulled on his clothes and walked sleepily downstairs to the Great Hall. A scan of the room revealed Ron and Hermione sitting together, and Harry walked over and sat down next to them. "Morning guys" he said, reaching for some waffles. "Good morning Harry" said Hermione, not looking at him, but staring oddly at Ron. "j0 H4rry" said Ron with a casual wave.

"What…..er…..How are the pancakes?" Harry asked.

"t3h p4nc4k3s r 0k but t3h w4ffl3s r r3lly t3h r0xx0rx." Said Ron, reaching for more. Harry looked confusedly at Hermione. She was staring fixedly at her porridge, clearly not interested in discussing Ron's new dialect. "Err, why are you talking like that Ron?" he asked.

"0h l1k4 d1s? \/\/3ll d1s 1s t3h w3y 4ll l337 w1zz4rdz t4lk, d1dn'7 j00 n0?" replied Ron.

"But Ron… I've never heard anybody talk like that…" said Harry.

"w3ll j4, it's a very select group, l33t wizzards. Th3y 0nly use d1s 14ngu4g3 w3n they're pwn1ng sum1 or demonstrating their l33t wizzard p0\/\/3r. I'm just talking this way to practice, because soon I'll be a l33t wizzard and I need to talk t3h t4lk." said Ron, half in, half out of his new dialect.

"Errr…." said Harry, looking at Hermione who was now huffing loudly and rolling her eyes at her breakfast. "I…..never heard anything like that before" said Harry.

"That's because it doesn't exist" said Hermione loudly, finally looking up from her porridge.

As they were talking the mail had begun to arrive, Ron's owl arrived at a dive, landing messily in Hermione's porridge. It stood up and shook itself off, "wewt" it said.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other. "wewt?" they said. "0h j4 I've been trying to teach him to be a l33t owl, but he doesn't quite get it yet." He looked at the owl, "No no it's w00t or in extreme cases w00tz0rz!" the owl stared blankly at him and then flew off, spraying porridge with every flap of it's wings.

Hermione made a disgusted noise. "Teaching an owl to talk in your stupid language? You MUST be kidding me" she said giving Ron a withering look. But he was not paying attention as he unwrapped the package the owl had brought him. "W04h! W00tz0rz!! It's my T0/\/\3 of l33t/\/355! L00k!" he said, holding up a small paperback manual. Hermione stormed off muttering something about idiocy.

"oh sw33t, h4rry look at this l33t sp311."

He read, "the spell of Ever Holding will enable to caster to carry many useful objects in his or her bag or pockets without the bag or pockets ever becoming full. Useful gear a l33t m4st3r might want to consider carrying include: ladders, rope, various swords, several types of large guns and missiles, scrolls, more bags, large amounts of gold, cows, large statues, talismans and much more."

"WIkk3d" said Ron. "Harry will you help me practice this one?" he asked.

"Umm….."

"Great! We'll start with these" Ron said, grabbing the plate of waffles and standing up, "l33t rations, for when we go on Long Quests."

Harry stood with a sigh, "Oh well," he thought, "it might be interesting."

Several hours later Harry and Ron were exhausted, they'd not had much luck fitting the plate of waffles in Ron's pockets. Ron sat down squishily, "I wonder what we're doing wrong?" he asked rhetorically.

Harry looked at the spellbook again… there was an image of a man shoving a ladder down his trousers, underneath was the caption "l33t /\/\4st3r demonstrating the capacity of EVER HOLDING TROUSERS"

Harry looked over at Ron who looked very much like someone who is NOT a l33t /\/\4st3r with Ever Holding Trousers. He was munching one of the surviving waffles thoughtfully.

"Maybe we should have begun with a Bag of Holding instead?" he said.

Harry was struck with the sense of this, and wondered why they'd not thought of it before… probably because Hermione wasn't there to do the thinking for them.

"Err, good idea Ron." He said. "I'll go get a bag… maybe you should go change your trousers."

Ron nodded, still looking contemplative and stood up.

A few minutes later Harry returned with his book bag to find Ron already changed and poring over the Tome of Leetness. "Harry…. We've been forgetting the last part of the spell" he said looking sheepish. "I forgot we had to say the l33t phrase at the end of every spell in the book."

He took the bag from Harry, put it on the floor and pointed his wand at it. "Insidus putem lotsastuffem" he took a deep breath and ended with the magic phrase "leftus leftus rightum rightum upus downum upus downum bee-ay"

There was a flash from his wand and the bag shuddered.

Harry and Ron looked at one another. Then Ron gingerly picked up the nearest chair and carefully put it in the bag. First the front two legs, then, pulling the mouth of the bag wider than seemed possible, he opened it far enough to get the back two legs in. He let go of the chair, and it slid smoothly into the darkness inside the bag.

Ron and Harry looked at each other, wide-eyed. "OMG dis is t3h 4w3s0m3." The next few hours were spent testing the extent of the bag's capacity. As the two boys brought the bag around the school trying to find things to put in it the air was filled with cries of "try this!" and "what about this?" and "OMG if \/\/3 c4n g3t dis in t3h b4g d4t'd b 4w3s0m3!" When the boys finally tired of putting things in the bag it held what was left of the waffles, most of the boy's school books, several chairs, blankets, all the pillows in the boy's dormitory, a cat, a violin, Hedwig, a shrubbery, and to Ron's extreme satisfaction - a small cow.

"Ok, I admit it, the Tome of Leetness is pretty cool" said Harry.

"t0ld j4" said Ron.

"I just don't understand why none of the teachers here use l33t sp3lls." Said Harry as the two boys walked to the Great Hall for lunch.

"I'm telling you, Dumbledore is totally a 133t \/\/Izz4rd, he just hides his l33tness so as not to dazzle us all" Ron said, shifting the bag on his back.

So, how do we get things out of the bag then?" asked Harry who was beginning to miss his owl. "Not quite sure" said Ron pulling the bag off his back and looking inside. "I don't see any of our g34r in here" he said reaching in and feeling around.

"Maybe we have to summon the items out?" asked Harry who was considering that "Accio cow" might end up being rather dangerous.

"I don't think so, I think you're just supposed to be able to reach in and grab what you want" said Ron, still rummaging with no luck. Slightly frustrated he turned the bag upside down and shook it…. A few grains of sand and a candy wrapper fell out, but nothing else.

"damn it's probably in the Tome. I forgot it back in the common room" he said, snapping his fingers. "I'll brb I'm g0nn4 g0 g3t it." He said running off down the hall.

"Alright, but hurry up, that cow is probably wreaking havoc on the inside of my bag." called Harry after him.

Harry sat down next to a still put-out Hermione who was eating her lunch in silence. Very soon Ron returned, running toward them brandishing the Tome. "H4rry it s4ys t4re's a t1m3 limit! I h4v3 2-" but before Ron could finish his sentence he tripped on someone's outstretched foot.

To Harry's horror the bag flew up into the air in a lovely parabolic arch straight over the head of Dumbledore. Or it would have, had it obeyed physics…or is that geometry? Instead it stopped right over the headmaster's head and hung there for a few horrifying moments before turning very deliberately upside down. "O N0Z!" said Ron reaching toward the bag as if he could stop it from disgorging its contents down on the head of the headmaster. A slightly panicked Hedwig emerged from the mouth of the bag first and flapped to safety, closely followed by the cow's hind legs.

Dumbledore looked up slowly to see the cow's rump approaching his face at a rapid rate. "OMGWTF?!" he shouted loudly before diving out of the way in a rather impressive shoulder roll. He moved just in time, as the cow came crashing down onto the table missing him by centimeters. He was not fortunate enough to dive out of the way of the cat, or the waffles. In less than a minute it was all over…

Amid the large pile of pillows, blankets, books etc was Dumbledore who had given in after a brief struggle with the cat and now lay on the floor staring blankly up at the ceiling as maple syrup dripped down the sides of his face. Bits of feather from the pillows and paper from the books were still floating slowly to the ground, some of them adhering to the syrup coated headmaster.

McGonagall got up from her seat and walked over to the mess, bending close to inspect the headmaster. She looked at Ron very seriously and said "W0w R0/\/... j00 t0t4lly pwn3d him."


End file.
